Two Funerals

As autumns go, this one hasn't been the best. I don't mean that the season itself has been bad; in fact, the fall colors have been quite spectacular this year. What I mean is that the Tolen family has faced some challenges recently that created a pretty significant amount of stress for us.

The most prominent of these stresses were the passing away of Chris's grandfather, and three weeks later, his father. Grandfather (age 92) lived in New Mexico. His passing in September was unexpected, and yet not unexpected, either. While not in dire health, he had declined significantly over the past few months. Upon the news of his passing, we quickly arranged to drive to New Mexico for the funeral services.

Grandfather's funeral was held in the St. John's Methodist Church in Santa Fe--a beautiful structure, and a kind, loving congregation among whom Grandfather had been an active part for all his life. My children, never having experienced any other religious practices outside of our own, had several questions about the attire of the leadership (the robes, sashes, etc. worn by the priests (bishops? Deacons? I'm not sure what the proper terminology is), and about the service itself, which involved lectures about the scriptures, unfamiliar hymns, and several instances of repeating lines back to the clergy as they read from service books and hymnals. I had the opportunity to sing as part of the service, which was humbling and quite an honor--especially to sing in such a beautiful edifice. Both Chris and Zach were pallbearers for Grandfather,and Zach especially felt special to be included among the grandsons in this sacred duty.





Perhaps the most inspiring part of the funeral service, though, took place at the Veteran's Memorial Cemetery, where Grandfather was interred. Following the funeral, we all followed the hearse to this breathtaking cemetery--thousands of perfectly spaced white grave markers--where the Navy reserve conducted a second, smaller service to honor their fallen comrade. The service included the folding and presentation of the flag, a 21-gun salute, and a "send-off" by military officers. I think all of us were particularly moved by this patriotic presentation.

We had only just returned from New Mexico, though, when Chris's father (Richard) took a turn for the worse. He had been living in a Beehive Home (an assisted living facility) nearby us since last summer, and seemed to be thriving there. But Grandfather's death seemed to be particularly hard for him, and he was in quite compromised health to begin with. Only a week after Grandfather's funeral, Richard passed away, too.

Because Richard had spent most of his adult life in Santa Fe, we found ourselves packing up the car yet again and heading back to Santa Fe for Richard's memorial service. This time, my children got to see what it's like to attend a High Episcopal church service in the Holy Faith Episcopal Church in Santa Fe. If I'm being honest, it was not a comfortable experience for us. Our own religion has some ceremony, yes, and so did the Methodist service. But this was nothing like any of us expected. The rituals and rites were confusing--sometimes spoken while walking down the aisle carrying banners and flags, sometimes sung to some of the loudest (but greatest) organ music I've ever heard in a church, sometimes chanted from the back of the chapel, and sometimes spoken from rameumptoms in the front of the room. Candles were lit and extinguished, wafers and wine were issued to the believers...honestly, I have very little idea what most of it was about. And the kids are even more baffled. But we all agreed that this would have been the service that Richard wanted, after his many years of service as a deacon within the Episcopal church.

In addition to the funerals, all the kids have been busy this fall with their own activities. The abbreviated version features Zach marching with the high school marching band, including a tour to Southern California last weekend. Izzy auditioned for and was cast on the junior high Shakespeare competition team, and they traveled down to Cedar City (in between funerals) to compete in the national competition there. PG junior high took all-around first place--a rewarding payoff after an endless stream of rehearsals. Joey began art lessons in September, and Ben...well...Ben hasn't done anything new. He's just been Ben.

Chris has been traveling quite a bit this fall, too, as his business has seen some action of late. And my teaching schedule is nearly killing me. Fortunately, the semester is starting to wind down.

I'll add more details later of our comings and goings. We're all looking forward to a California vacation during Thanksgiving week...more travel, yes, but under less stressful circumstances. And perhaps as we move into winter, life will settle back down.

Summer In, Summer Out

I don't know how time slips by so quickly. But here we are facing another school year, and I haven't updated the family blog since January? Wow. Well, fortunately, nothing happens around this house, so you haven't missed much. Stop smirking. I'm totally serious.

Zach's life is exactly as it was before--consumed by banging on things with sticks. This summer, since he is moving into the 9th grade, he signed on with the Pleasant Grove High School Marching Band (4A). He is a part of the "pit"--which is the group of percussionists who play the big, non-marching instruments on the field. Zach is particularly excited to be assigned to marimba, where he plays both two-mallet and even a little four-mallet music. The band's entire field show this year features the music of Billy Joel, and Zach is loving it. He also joined the junior high's (9th grade is still at the Jr. High in PG) steel drum band, where he plays rhythm (bongos, congos, trap set, etc.). And now that school is starting, he is ALSO playing in the school Jazz band that meets before school, and in the Symphonic band that meets as a regular class. So, in case you missed it, this fall Zach will be playing in the Marching Band, the Steel Drum Band, the Jazz Band, and the Symphonic Band. He asked if he could try out for the golf team, too, and I punched him. (no...not really...I didn't punch him. But he did want to try out for golf.)

Both Zach's and Izzy's musical skills veritably exploded this summer after we sent them to a week-long music camp in the mountains of New Mexico. The camp, called Hummingbird Music Camp, is something that Chris attended every single year of his boyhood, even working there as a paid head counselor when he was 17 or 18 years old. Since we started having kids Chris has been anxious to give them an opportunity to attend Hummingbird, and this was the year. The kids had a great time. Zach "majored" in percussion there, while Izzy "majored" in viola (their primary instruments). But they both also took the opportunity to learn to play the saxophone, too, as a second instrument. Granted, neither of them is ready to go on tour on the sax, but it was fun to watch them pick up a new skill in a short amount of time! They are both excited to go back next year.

Izzy is playing viola, and was accepted into the advanced orchestra this year as an 8th grader. She seems to enjoy it very much, but her heart really lies in drama. This year she is taking both 8th grade drama and musical theater, and would like me to see if there is some kind of children's acting classes or company that she could join once school starts again. I'm on the lookout... Izzy and Zach are both part of the Peer Advisory Leadership (PALs) group at the junior high, so they will have some fun this year helping out with school activities, etc. In fact, as I type this they are both at the junior high giving tours to the incoming seventh graders. Izzy had a great time at Girl's Camp this year, too, learning to be a "D.O.L.L." (Daughter of Light and Liberty).

Joey had a good summer, too, but not nearly so busy a summer as his older siblings had. The poor critter had to have five baby teeth pulled out over the summer because his mouth is just so tiny that some of his permanent teeth were beginning to come in through the roof of his mouth, simply because there was no room for them anywhere else. Now, with five spaces opened up, things are looking a little better. However, the orthodontist (who already has Zach and Izzy in braces) said that he probably wants to put braces on Joey's upper teeth, just for six months or so, right away because Joey has a cross-bite that causes his upper jaw to lock over his lower jaw and prevent the lower jaw from growing as it should. Needless to say, Joey is NOT happy about the prospect of having braces on his teeth as a fifth grader. Yes, you read that right: Joey is moving into 5th grade!! I really can't believe it myself. He's such a diminutive creature--but only physically. What he lacks in height and weight, he makes up for in personality. Joey is also musically gifted, and I've been putting him through the horrors of piano lessons. But his ultimate goal is to get to a place where I tell him he can take up the electric guitar. That's his true passion and ambition--to get and learn to play the guitar. Perhaps that's why he spends so much time playing Guitar Hero on the Wii.

And then there is Ben. Sweet, strange, mostly-naked Ben. If you track my other blog (http://adventureswithautism.blogspot.com) then you know about Ben's special needs. He's truly a remarkable kid, with an interesting perspective on the world. However, if you ever show up at my house unexpectedly, be warned that Ben will likely greet you in his underwear. He understands that when we leave the house he must put on clothing. But the minute we walk through our door again, Ben vanishes for about two minutes, and then returns in just his skivvies. He claims that clothes make him feel hot and "don't feel comfortable." We have gotten so used to the au natural Ben, actually, that a couple nights ago, when Joey bequeathed an old pair of pajamas to Ben, I did not recognize who was curled up on my bed. I gave the pajama-ed child a squeeze and said, "You look so cozy in those jammies!" He nodded, and let me tuck him in. The next morning, he emerged from his room completely undressed again. I surrender.

School starts again next week, and I have mixed emotions. On the one hand, I am entirely ready to reclaim some solitude, and can't wait to see what it's like to clean a room in the house and two hours later, still have it clean. On the other hand, school brings a demanding schedule, homework, projects, lunches, etc. that wear me down after too long. And Ben's special needs mean that I can't ever just merrily send all the kids off with a kiss and a wave. There are behavior charts to create, and IEP's to update, and teacher conferences / principal conferences / school psychologist conferences / speech therapist conferences to attend. And homework with Ben is like root canals with Ben--long and painful. So school starts again next week. Hurray, and hang on tight.

Because I am insane, I am teaching five classes this fall-three at UVU (Utah Valley University), and two at Kaplan University. Right now, I'm desperately trying to revamp my syllabi so that my students will have less papers to turn in to me, and more papers that they work on in groups, and grade as peers. I haven't come up with a perfect plan yet, but I'm working on it. I will continue to play the organ at church, though I will not be teaching Relief Society anymore (the women's class at our church). Teaching my college classes will require about 60 hours each week, and I have to fit those in during the hours when the kids are either at school, or sleeping. Because when they are home and awake, I will be taxiing to marching band rehearsals, jazz band rehearsals, orthodontist appointments, music lessons, drama rehearsals, church and scout activities, etc. On top of those, Chris's father is now living in Utah, and while his day-to-day living needs are taken care of by the facility in which he lives, we are still required to get him to all the doctor appointments that he requires for his diabetes, congestive heart failure, kidney disease, etc. I'm so glad that he is here with us, and that we have this time to spend with him. But the appointments are time-consuming.

Chris has just accepted a position in our church to work with the Young Men's organization (he is the new YM secretary). This means that he will be attending the weekly YM activities, as well as camp outs, hikes, summer camp activities, etc. I think he's happy about the calling, though. It's always fulfilling to work with the youth. Chris is still working full-time for the State Hospital as a psychologist and as director of the APA internship there. He's also finally picking up more testing clients, which is good for our bank account, but it means that he is not home very much anymore as he juggles all his work and church responsibilities. On top of that, he has been invited to teach for the University of Phoenix, and so he's attending some preliminary training sessions during September in anticipation of teaching a class or two for UoP this fall. Again, good for the bank account (which we've desperately needed for a while now), but harder on the family schedule.

So, like I said, not much is happening here in the Tolen household. Just the normal insanities of raising four children in a fast-paced world. I can't complain. They are talented, active, involved kids, and though it's exhausting to have them involved in so many things, it's also quite fulfilling. And everyone keeps telling me that no matter how hard things are right now, the time will quickly come when everyone is grown, and out of the house, and opportunities like we have now will be gone.

Carpe Diem, I suppose. But thank heavens for Diet Coke and chocolate.

New Year, New Post.

Well, it's the holiday season. I must admit that as I've opened and read through other families' Christmas letters, I've felt some guilt that I not only never wrote a letter this year, but I haven't even updated our family blog for quite some time. Duly chastened, and suffering guilt even unto repentance, I hereby make amends:

This year, for the first time since Joey was two years old and Ben was...well..not a Tolen yet, we took a family picture. Chris and I put aside our feelings of self-loathing (well, I actually just wadded mine up in my fist and hid it until the dastardly deed was done), and called a local photographer to take a few photos. [By the way, she is a wonderful photographer; if you live in the Utah County area and are looking for someone who is great with kids and family photos, her name is Julie Taggart and her website is right here on blogspot: http://jktphoto.blogspot.com.]

Except that we didn't take a few pictures. We took 432 pictures--give or take a few. That's how many are on the disc that Julie gave us. And aside from the fact that Joey and Ben were certain that they were perishing in the Arctic chill, we had a pretty fun go of it, even in the snow and ice. We like this one, except that Ben is making the strangest face possible. Then again, of the 432 photos that Julie took, Ben was smiling normally in exactly four of them...and those were all individual portraits. Smiling naturally is not something he does easily.

So, now you've seen us; read on if you'd like to find out what we're up to these days, too.

Zach (14): Just finished his Eagle project, and is working hard to join 16 of his fellow scouts in February at a giant Eagle Court of Honor. He's playing percussion in the Advanced Percussion group at the junior high and taking private percussion lessons each week--making good use of the drum kit he received for his birthday in November. Zach finished performing as part of "Oberon's Posse" in the junior high's fall production of "Midsummer Night's Dream," and now he's rehearsing an ensemble part in the spring production of "Guys and Dolls."

Izzy (12): Just finished performing with Salt Lake's Ballet West Ballet Company in their annual Nutcracker show. She was a blue soldier, and enjoyed being carried off the stage upside-down each night by an overgrown, large-headed mouse. Strangely, she always marched right back on to the stage moments later, obviously having overpowered the foul rodent somewhere in the shadowy recesses of stage right. Izzy is learning to play the viola--quite well, I might add--and is contemplating her future as a dancer. Her interests lie more with drama and music right now, and I suspect that her quite successful foray into dance is coming to an end.

Joey (9): Seems to be letting go of his obsessive need to know everything there is to know about the Titanic. Then again, perhaps he has just exhausted every available knowledge store and is out of new things to learn. We continue to worry about his weight (or lack thereof); he has an appointment with a pediatric endocrinologist next week and we'll see if she has anything to say. Joey is really into all things art and science lately. Never does a day go by that he hasn't spent several hours cutting, tearing, painting, gluing, stapling, and stringing up various projects. I admire his initiative. Now, if I could only inspire some desire to clean up after himself...

Ben (6): Made it through the holiday season with only moderate stress (hurray for good medication!). He is doing well in school...that is, he's not acting out too much, and he's picking up a few academic things here and there. Spelling is particularly difficult for him, and he's not interested in reading much yet. But he's learning. It occurred to me over the Christmas break that if there is a good year to hold him back, it would be first grade. After all, he has a July birthday, so he's already one of the youngest kids in his grade, and when you add his autism into the picture, he might just need another year to catch up a bit. I don't know, of course. We'll see what this winter and spring bring. Ben doesn't develop on a smooth curve; he makes jagged upward leaps at the most unexpected times. Perhaps he'll leap, yet.

Heather (you didn't really think I'd put my age here, right?): Just finished teaching English Composition courses at Utah Valley University and at Kaplan University. It was a stressful semester, as I had to put together new lesson plans and learn new curricula for two new courses. I didn't set things up as well as I might have, and ended up grading non-stop for three weeks straight before the Christmas break. It was not fun. This time around, I've made some adjustments and have all my lesson plans for the new term already in place, so I anticipate that things will flow more smoothly. In the meantime, I'm occasionally playing the organ at church, but have been assigned to teach the class that the women attend (the "Relief Society") once a month, too...which I enjoy.

Chris (tempting to put his age...but...nah...): Just completed his first year as a psychologist at the Utah State Hospital. As the director of the APA internship there, he had a big responsibility preparing the site for an accreditation process that took place during the fall. He did very well, and the accreditors had nothing but praise for him and for the program. Chris is currently heartbroken that his Pittsburgh Steelers did not make the superbowl playoffs this year, but I suspect that he will recover. He is teaching a class at church, and hoping that this year the economy will turn back around and propel some clients back into his testing and aftercare businesses. I hope so, too.

So there it is: our starting lineup for 2010. Who knows what these months will bring. But whatever comes, I will try harder to write about it, and share it with all of you.